A New Cycle & A New Medication

This month marks 2.5 years since Russ and I decided to start trying for baby #2 (I don't really like putting it like that, because believe me, this little soul is already so much more than just a number to us). This journey has been longer then expected and filled with twists and turns. It has also helped me to grow in explainable ways. I'm finding strength I never knew I had. It's the strength to take another pill, endure another ultrasound, hope for the future and prepare for the possible disappointments. As with most women who struggle to conceive, I never thought it would be this difficult to grow our family. I'm not yet at the place where I can say I'm thankful for it, but I believe one day I will be. The day will come when I'm holding our baby in my arms and telling Carter, "Here is your baby sister/brother." On that day, in that moment, I know the journey will be 100% worth every tear, every heartache, every dollar and every restless night. 

So onward and upward! I am at the beginning of a new cycle and this time I'll be taking the fertility drug Letrozole/Femara. Those who are Clomid resistant often have great success with it and I'm planning to be one of those people. 

Here's to a new cycle, these little magic pills and the soul that I still believe is trying to get to us.

 I won't give up if you don't, little one.

TTC and PCOS

All of my test results are in and it's official: I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I've been told I might have it, but never that it was a definite. Until now. I wasn't sure what to think about it at first, but as it's sunk the the last few days I feel good about it. Not that I want to have it, but the knowing about it is good because I know what direction I need to go in (not just to get pregnant, but for my overall health). I've been put on Metformin to help with insulin resistance that often goes along with PCOS. I'm also taking Synthroid which is a thyroid medication. In 2005 I had a partial thyroid lobectomy (they removed half my thyroid), but the half that I do have has been compensating so I've never been on medication for it. My levels are actually within normal range right now, but while TTC they like the thyroid to be working a little faster, thus the Synthroid.

As for our next step: AF should arrive any day and we'll begin a Clomid cycle at 150mg/day. We're starting at 150mg because that's the dose I was on when we conceived Carter and when I ovulated last year. A couple things we are doing differently though is that my follicles will be monitored via ultrasound. Once one (or more I suppose) reach 18mm I'll be taking a trigger shot of Ovidrel which will force ovulation within 36 hours I believe. We aren't doing IUI (insemination) this round since we know we can conceive on our own. However, if this doesn't work after two tries IUI would most likely be our next step, followed by IVF.

I feel very hopeful about this upcoming cycle. Besides the medication I mentioned, I'm full of prenatals and more folic acid then you can imagine. I'm also taking the information about PCOS and insulin resistance very seriously. The doctor said I could think of myself as "pre" pre-diabetic. That's not a path I want to go down. Russ and I went out this weekend and bought a lot of PCOS friendly foods and I'm getting more serious about exercising daily. I firmly believe in health at every size, so this isn't about losing a bunch of weight (although the doctor told me that a loss of 5% has shown to help boost fertility). I want my body to be functioning at it's highest level for my fertility now, my pregnancy in the near future and my health for the rest of my life so that I can be the best mother and wife possible.

I never wanted to end up needing the help of a fertility specialist, yet deep down I always knew I would. Now that we're here I know with 100% of my being this is the right path for us and it will get us to the destination we've been searching for...our sweet baby that will be the best addition to our family.

Instead of my diagnosis bringing my spirits down, I'm choosing to find in it a renewal of hope. This isn't the end, but the beginning...and something (or should I say someone) magical is heading our way.

Best Words Ever!

"The results came back normal." 

That has to be one of the greatest sentences ever uttered and it's what I was told about my uterine biopsy this week. What a relief! Tomorrow I'm going to have blood work done and the two hour glucose test. The following Friday I have the hysterosalpinogram (HSG). It feels good to be crossing these off the list and getting closer to being able to TTC again. I was in a bit of a fog for the couple weeks I awaited the results. The not knowing can be the hardest part. But not that I've made it past that I feel a renewed sense of hope. Everything is going to be okay and we'll have a little baby in our arms before we know it!

Btw, this is also a book that I would love as gift (hint, hint to that hubby of mine). Here's the link ;)

Weekly Roundup 3/31-4/6

This week was a little difficult for me because on Thursday I had my uterine biopsy. I spent most of the week either extremely trepidatious or attempting to calm said nerves. Madison was still on spring break so she spent the week at our house working on her collection for her school's fashion show (which is this Saturday). It was nice to have her here to keep me distracted and go with me to my appointment. The biopsy wasn't as bad as I expected and now I'm playing the waiting game for the results (hoping to get them the end of this week or beginning of next). Undoubtedly, it's been a strange time for me but I'm hanging in there thanks to those who care about me.

While I was at my biopsy Carter made these beautiful pictures with Grammy. All you need is shaving cream and food coloring!

Carter and Madison researching fabric ideas

A rare, but much needed nap

One of the things that brought a smile to my face this week was playing dress up with old wigs I found while cleaning out my closet. How cute is Carter in this pink one??!!

I'm hoping to start blogging a little more, but I haven't been able to find the time. Maybe this week will be different...

TTC, PCOS and the C-word

On Wednesday I had my first appointment with a fertility specialist, Dr. T. It's taken me a few days to process everything and I suppose I still am....so much so I don't really know how to even start this post. I guess I'll just walk you through my appointment...

First off, I really like the doctor. She took me into her office and said that although she had my previous charts/test/files (all 23 pages of them!), she'd rather have me describe what I've been dealing with. I walked her through my medical history and she took the time to actively listen to me. We discussed my situation and her preliminary diagnosis is that of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). In the past I've had one doctor rule out PCOS after an ultrasound showed no cysts on my ovaries, but another doctor told me I could still have it and left it at that. Dr. T said that you don't necessarily have to have cysts on the ovaries to have PCOS. I met a number of the other criteria.

The very basic summary of it is that because of PCOS my hormones levels are out of whack causing me to have irregular cycles (something I've had all of my life). Because I have irregular cycles the uterine lining is building up and the longer it sits there the more of a chance it has to develop precancerous or cancerous cells. Dr. T said she wanted to proceed with an ultrasound to check my lining.

Unfortunately, within seconds of starting the ultrasound it confirmed that I do have a very thick lining. Dr. T showed me the screen and said that she didn't want to scare me, but there were a number of cysts on the lining. I was shocked. I assumed my lining might be thick because my last cycle was months ago, but when I saw all of the cysts I couldn't believe it. My next thought was, "Man, I really wish Russ was here" (he couldn't get off work).

She continued the ultrasound and tried to get a look at my ovaries, but the bowel was obstructing the view. It was quite painful.

We finished and she told me that I need to have a uterine biopsy (which I'll be having 4/3). Following the biopsy I'm going to take Provera to induce my cycle, then have blood work completed and a 2 hour glucose test (those with PCOS are often insulin resistant). Between cycle days 10-12 I'll be having a hysterosalpinogram performed (dye is inserted and then an xray is taken to get a clear view of my reproductive system). Russ will also be having a semen analysis (he also did one when we were trying to get pregnant with Carter, but that was 4.5 years ago so they need to check everything again).

So that is the logistical side of everything. As for the emotional side, I'm in a weird state of mind right now. Immediately following the appointment I was upset (to put it lightly). I had gone to discuss pregnancy and left wondering if I may have cancer. A few days out I'm thinking a little more clearly. I am not having any symptoms that would lead me to believe I have cancer, so I think it will be fine. Waiting to have the biopsy (and then waiting for the results) is very difficult though.

There are moments when I look at Carter and start crying for so many reasons it's hard for me to even pinpoint. Sometimes it's because I feel bad for him that I'm not 100% there in the moment, or I'm sad that I haven't been able to give him a sibling, or I feel so much gratitude that I have been gifted with such an amazing son, or I'm terrified that something might be horribly wrong with me and I'd have to leave him or the beauty of this life utterly astonishes me.

And sometimes I'm just straight out pissed off that I have to deal with any of this.

For today, I am happy and I am grateful. I've spent this weekend focused on staying in each moment and treasuring the gift of life...and my body. It would be easy for me to resent the fact that it's not doing what it's supposed to, but instead I'm choosing to love it even more. My body has served me well and I know it will continue to do so.

I'm not sure who reads my blog anymore (besides my lovely friends Kristin and Nancy), but if you are reading this I would appreciate any good vibes or peaceful, loving energy you want to send my way.

Namaste.