Reflections on my birthday

 I'm still having trouble finding time to blog so this will have to do. This is my FB post from my birthday last weekend:

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." 

As my 32nd birthday comes to a close, I can't help but reflect on the ups and downs. We found out this week that our first IUI didn't work and it felt heartbreaking...a feeling I've gotten to know well this year. However, I also felt so much joy and happiness. My sweet Carter is the most kind hearted boy and I can never feel down for long with him by my side. He's a miracle and I never forget that. And my amazing husband, Russ, is my rock. Like the song says babe, "If we only die once, I wanna die with you." This upcoming year is full of possibility and with these guys by my side I'm ready for the ride!

July Roundup

I have been a terrible blogger this month. Summertime, what can I say?

Some pretty big news is that we've decided to put our house on the market. We won't be moving far, but we'll be getting a new home and we're excited to be able to pick out our own flooring, counter tops, etc. We spent a couple weekends looking around and Carter was a trooper! We've already started fixing the house up a bit to sell and we're hoping to have it on the market by the end of August/beginning of September.

Carter got a haircut!

We went to a new water park by our house

And of course we had to see the new "Planes" movie

We had a family dinner at the beach complete with smores. It was Carter's first time roasting marshmallows and he was hooked!

A self portrait by my artist

And my last bit of news is that I had my first IUI (interuterine insemination). This pic is us in the elevator on our way to the car following the procedure. We are both very hopeful for this cycle, but also trying to prepare ourselves should it not work. The success rate is about 10-20% for a woman under 35. Sometimes it's still hard to believe that we're at this place, but this journey has showed me parts of myself I didn't know existed (or maybe they didn't until now). And I'm so blessed to have such an amazing partner by my side. Russ is my rock. So at this point we've done all we can this cycle and now we wait. Please send prayers and positive energy our way.

This week we wrap up July and prepare for all that August has in store. My birthday, Russ' birthday, a trip to Vegas and hopefully a positive pregnancy test!

June Wrap Up/ July Warm Up

I feel like I've been a little MIA lately, so this would be the perfect time for a June wrap up/July warm up. A couple weeks ago we went to the beach for the first time this summer. As always, it was beautiful and relaxing.

Carter went to a birthday party for the son of Russ' work friend. He was one of the youngest there, but that didn't stop him!

I started July off with a new haircut! As Coco Chanel says, "A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life." That feels incredibly true right now because...

...I'm in my two week wait (meaning the two weeks before I can take a pregnancy test). Shockingly, at my CD 11 ultrasound I had two mature follicles! I couldn't believe it! I actually responded to the Letrozole! That night for the first time I took Ovidrel (trigger shot) which forces ovulation within approximately 36 hours. The days are going by slowly, but thankfully I have Carter to keep me distracted.

Plus, when she's not working at Old Navy, Madison has been hanging out with us, helping to keep my mind busy. Yesterday we went to a beach in Corona del Mar called "Little Corona." It has tide pools and small/medium size waves. This was our first time going here and the three of us thought it was pretty cool. 

 And here we already are with July 4th tomorrow! I can't believe how fast time has flown by! I feel like we were just in San Diego celebrating last year! I hope that everyone has a happy and safe Independence Day!

A New Cycle & A New Medication

This month marks 2.5 years since Russ and I decided to start trying for baby #2 (I don't really like putting it like that, because believe me, this little soul is already so much more than just a number to us). This journey has been longer then expected and filled with twists and turns. It has also helped me to grow in explainable ways. I'm finding strength I never knew I had. It's the strength to take another pill, endure another ultrasound, hope for the future and prepare for the possible disappointments. As with most women who struggle to conceive, I never thought it would be this difficult to grow our family. I'm not yet at the place where I can say I'm thankful for it, but I believe one day I will be. The day will come when I'm holding our baby in my arms and telling Carter, "Here is your baby sister/brother." On that day, in that moment, I know the journey will be 100% worth every tear, every heartache, every dollar and every restless night. 

So onward and upward! I am at the beginning of a new cycle and this time I'll be taking the fertility drug Letrozole/Femara. Those who are Clomid resistant often have great success with it and I'm planning to be one of those people. 

Here's to a new cycle, these little magic pills and the soul that I still believe is trying to get to us.

 I won't give up if you don't, little one.

TTC and PCOS

All of my test results are in and it's official: I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I've been told I might have it, but never that it was a definite. Until now. I wasn't sure what to think about it at first, but as it's sunk the the last few days I feel good about it. Not that I want to have it, but the knowing about it is good because I know what direction I need to go in (not just to get pregnant, but for my overall health). I've been put on Metformin to help with insulin resistance that often goes along with PCOS. I'm also taking Synthroid which is a thyroid medication. In 2005 I had a partial thyroid lobectomy (they removed half my thyroid), but the half that I do have has been compensating so I've never been on medication for it. My levels are actually within normal range right now, but while TTC they like the thyroid to be working a little faster, thus the Synthroid.

As for our next step: AF should arrive any day and we'll begin a Clomid cycle at 150mg/day. We're starting at 150mg because that's the dose I was on when we conceived Carter and when I ovulated last year. A couple things we are doing differently though is that my follicles will be monitored via ultrasound. Once one (or more I suppose) reach 18mm I'll be taking a trigger shot of Ovidrel which will force ovulation within 36 hours I believe. We aren't doing IUI (insemination) this round since we know we can conceive on our own. However, if this doesn't work after two tries IUI would most likely be our next step, followed by IVF.

I feel very hopeful about this upcoming cycle. Besides the medication I mentioned, I'm full of prenatals and more folic acid then you can imagine. I'm also taking the information about PCOS and insulin resistance very seriously. The doctor said I could think of myself as "pre" pre-diabetic. That's not a path I want to go down. Russ and I went out this weekend and bought a lot of PCOS friendly foods and I'm getting more serious about exercising daily. I firmly believe in health at every size, so this isn't about losing a bunch of weight (although the doctor told me that a loss of 5% has shown to help boost fertility). I want my body to be functioning at it's highest level for my fertility now, my pregnancy in the near future and my health for the rest of my life so that I can be the best mother and wife possible.

I never wanted to end up needing the help of a fertility specialist, yet deep down I always knew I would. Now that we're here I know with 100% of my being this is the right path for us and it will get us to the destination we've been searching for...our sweet baby that will be the best addition to our family.

Instead of my diagnosis bringing my spirits down, I'm choosing to find in it a renewal of hope. This isn't the end, but the beginning...and something (or should I say someone) magical is heading our way.

NIAW - Our Journey with Infertility

April 20-26th, is National Infertility Awareness Week. While I have tried to keep my blog updated as to where we are in the TTC process, I haven't delved very deeply into my feelings or state of mind about it all. Infertility isn't something often discussed and the reasons for that are different for everyone. For some it's the unsolicited advice that quickly gets annoying (no matter how well-intentioned it may be, being told "just relax" or "go on a vacation" when you know you have something medically wrong with you is frustrating). For others it's the stigma of being infertile. And still for others it's not wanting to constantly bring up such a painful subject. I suppose for me it's a little of all of it, but mostly I don't like to dwell on the negative or unpleasant or feel that I'm being pitied. However, if the topic comes up of "When are you going to have another?" I am very comfortable with saying, "We have been trying, but we're going through infertility treatments right now."

There are a select few people in my life that know the complete details of this process of TTC baby #2 and if you follow my blog you know that I am having tests done at the request of the new fertility specialist I'm seeing. If this is all news to you, then the following two paragraphs should bring you up to speed:

In June 2009 Russ and I decided we were ready to start a family. All of my life I have had irregular cycles, but we figured we'd give it a shot anyways. By October I knew it wasn't going to happen on it's own. I went to my OB/GYN and after having blood work done and being diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" I started on the ovulation inducing drug, Clomid. After 3 rounds we found out we were pregnant with Carter in March 2010. It was a long and often emotionally draining 9+ months from when we first started to when we got pregnant. Little did I know how much more difficult things would be the second time around.

Just after Carter's first birthday, in January 2012, Russ and I decided to start trying on our own again. We knew that it most likely wouldn't happen without medical intervention, but we weren't in a rush at the time. Though by January 2013 I was ready to start Clomid again. I had to have the blood tests repeated and by April we began the first round. It was unsuccessful. Every Clomid cycle was unsuccessful for the rest of the year. The OB/GYN said I needed to go a fertility specialist, which I did a month ago. I've had a uterine biopsy after cysts were found during an ultrasound (thankfully they were not cancerous), an extensive blood panel and on Friday I have a hysterosalpinogram. I've been diagnosed with PCOS. Russ has also had a semen analysis. On May 2nd we will meet with the doctor and discuss the results of everything and see where to go from there.

And here we are along with the other 7.3 million people that struggle with infertility. That's just 1 in 8. I know many women that have faced this unfairness (and let's not forget men, too). Some have gone on to have babies, some are pregnant now and some still wondering when it will happen for them. And there are some women like me. They have been blessed with a child, but now struggle with "secondary infertility." Although I had to take Clomid to have Carter, I am still placed in this category.

It's a cruel trick of nature when your body betrays you. And that's exactly what it feels like. Sometimes you can do everything right, take the medicines and vitamins, eat the best foods, exercise, go to acupuncture, etc. and it still won't be enough. For those women, my heart aches. I wish I could say or do something to take the pain away for them, but I can't. If you have never dealt with infertility then you have no way of fully understanding what I'm saying. You should feel very lucky for that. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.

After Carter was born I used to spend so much time just starring at him (and usually crying) because I realized with 100% of my being just how blessed I was so have him as my baby. Now that we're struggling to get pregnant again, I feel that even greater. He is the best miracle. He is the sun. He is the sky. He is the music of my heart. I tell him everyday, "You are my blessing." Every. Single. Day.

To say I'd be okay if we didn't have another child is oversimplifying things. Would I be okay? Yes. Life would keep moving and there would be laughter and joy and love. But I think my heart would always ache (at least a little bit) for what would have been....for the family we could have had. The sibling relationship Carter would miss out on.

Infertility has been ever present in my life. My parents struggled with it for 11 years before having my brother. My mother-in-law, aunt and cousin all had secondary infertility as well. Each of our stories is a little different, but has this common denominator: life didn't go as planned. Odds are I will never know what it's like to decide to get pregnant and have that happen without medical intervention.

And that leads me to this: thank God for medical intervention! It's amazing what can be done and I am so grateful for all of it. Hopefully down the road medical intervention with help us conceive our 2nd little one. Sadly though, in the majority of cases insurance does not cover fertility treatments. We have a PPO that will cover 90% of my stay in a "Christian Science Sanatorium" but covers zero of my fertility treatments. It doesn't make sense to me. It is said this is due to the fact that fertility treatments like IVF are very costly and would raise overall healthcare rates, but this often leads to multiple embryo transfers and thus multiple births that usually involve longer (and very expensive) hospital stays. I feel that if a woman has a desire to be a mother, cost should not prevent her from becoming one. (There is also adoption which is a route we would be open to exploring, but like fertility treatments it is very expensive.)

This post has become much longer then I intended, but it's all very close to my heart. If you are reading and wondering, "Well should I approach this subject with her now or not?" my answer would be, sure. If you want to genuinely inquire as to how I am doing or where we are in the process, that's fine. I just ask that you don't start with, "So, are you pregnant yet?" And if you don't ever bring it up that's okay, too. If there is something I really want to tell you, believe me, I will. That goes for when I get pregnant, as well. It's not like I'd be keeping that secret for 9 months and then SURPRISE! I just had a baby! We'll tell you when we are ready to tell you. Until then if you want to pray for us, send us good vibes or just think positive thoughts for us, we would really appreciate it.

And for any women reading this and dealing with infertility: I can't take the pain away or make you pregnant, but I send you love and hope and strength.