Grandma's 99th Birthday!

Today is my grandma's 99th birthday! I can hardly believe it, even though I guess it shouldn't be a surprise. She's the most resilient person I know and for over 20 years doctors have been telling her she'd make it to 100, no doubt. And she's almost there! Next year she'll be a centenarian! 

These past few days I've thought back over all of the memories we've shared together...all of the little things she has taught me...

 If you're making cinnamon rolls and don't have raisins, chopped up prunes taste even better! Add a box of jello to your cake mix if you want it extra moist. If you don't have time for a full face of makeup a little rouge will always do the trick. It may be scary for other little kids, but "Little Orphan Annie" by James Whitcomb Riley is one of the best poems (especially if she's reciting it). You are never too full for her to make you something to eat (because even if you are, she's making something anyways). Even if you're on a tight budget you should never skimp on going to the doctor or the dentist. When you play bridge always "breast your cards." Start every morning with a bowl of oatmeal. If someone trips you say, "Down went McGinty, up jumped McClusky (this was based on an incident with some of her friends and I guess the saying stuck)! Roll your clothes when you pack because you can fit more in your luggage and it doesn't wrinkle. And so many more!

She's also taught me big things...

She has been one of my greatest loves...and I know I was one of hers. I remember being three years old and thinking she was the most magical person in my life. She could make everything better just with her presence. The food she made tasted better, she smelled better, even her hugs were better. When she'd leave our house after staying for a visit I'd smell her pillow and miss her with all of my being. When I'd spend the night at her house we'd lay in her bed listening to the radio and then she'd give me a kiss and say, "I love you, my girl." Her girl. That's what I was and in my heart that's what I'll always be. She's helped me realize the amount of unconditional love I am capable of because no matter what cruel tricks time and age play with her mind, I will never turn my back on her. The place she has in my heart will never change.

On Saturday we celebrated the big occasion:

We've never figured it out, but when my brother Cameron was around Carter's age he started calling her Dobie (dough-be) and Carter is carrying that on. I think it's very sweet :)

I guess I'd taken enough pictures for Carters liking 'cause he's giving me the stink eye! Ha ha!

Happy Birthday, Grandma! I love you!

A Broken Heart is an Open Heart

This post might seem a little "darker" then what I usually blog about, but it's been on my mind and heart for quite some time and I thought I would share with all of you. As you might have gathered from the quote above, the topic is grief and more specifically my grief over my grandma. I've only recently come to realize that the ache within my heart is grief because, you see, my grandma is still alive. When people ask me how she is doing I usually just say, "Great! She's 98 and still living on her own." But just the mention of her has secretly caused my heart to stop for a split second and I can feel a sadness coursing through my veins. 

In the past few years I've posted numerous times about my grandma (on my old blog), but to catch you up my history with my grandma looks like this: Up until 8-9 years ago she was one of my best friends and biggest supporters. My childhood was spent longing to see her (when we lived far away) or spending just about every vacation/weekend with her (once we moved back to Southern California). I can 100% say that my childhood wouldn't be what is was without those moment with her. I wouldn't be who I am without those moments with her. 

Not long after she turned 88 she fell and broke her hip. That is when I first noticed her change. I just wrote a few paragraphs about the details of this change, but I realize those don't need to be retold. The bottom line is that at this point in time my grandma doesn't want to see me. These days I hold my feelings in a lot of the time about grandma because there isn't anything I can do to change the situation. Talking about it makes me sad, but what's harder is that there isn't anything I can do. It isn't as if we are in a bad place right now, but that will one day be resolved and we'll hug and things will go back to the way they once were. That will never happen. And there in lies my grief. 

My grandma is still alive so my grief isn't over the passing of a loved once (which most people can understand). My grief is over the ending of the relationship I've always had with her while she's still here on Earth (something not everyone has experienced with a grandparent or loved one). I never thought I'd be at this place with her. When I was younger I'd pray every night that she would live to see me graduate high school (and then college and then get married). Every. Single. Night. I never realized that our relationship would change for the worse during those years due to dementia. I never even had the thought.

In almost all aspects of her life she is still doing very well. She cooks her own meals, bathes herself and is mentally sharp...except in regards to paranoid delusions that mostly involve me. Why her brain is doing this, I don't know. What I do know is that it has broken my heart. So as the quote says above, I am grieving my loss, but I am trying desperately to remember that love never dies. I have so many happy and loving moments with her and I'm doing my damnedest to not let them be eclipsed. It's very hard, but I am trying. 

At the end of the day all I can say is that I love my grandma. I always have and I always will.