April 20-26th, is National Infertility Awareness Week. While I have tried to keep my blog updated as to where we are in the TTC process, I haven't delved very deeply into my feelings or state of mind about it all.
Infertility isn't something often discussed and the reasons for that are different for everyone. For some it's the unsolicited advice that quickly gets annoying (no matter how well-intentioned it may be, being told "just relax" or "go on a vacation" when you know you have something medically wrong with you is frustrating). For others it's the stigma of being infertile. And still for others it's not wanting to constantly bring up such a painful subject. I suppose for me it's a little of all of it, but mostly I don't like to dwell on the negative or unpleasant or feel that I'm being pitied. However, if the topic comes up of "When are you going to have another?" I am very comfortable with saying, "We have been trying, but we're going through infertility treatments right now."
There are a select few people in my life that know the complete details of this process of TTC baby #2 and if you follow my blog you know that I am having tests done at the request of the new fertility specialist I'm seeing. If this is all news to you, then the following two paragraphs should bring you up to speed:
In June 2009 Russ and I decided we were ready to start a family. All of my life I have had irregular cycles, but we figured we'd give it a shot anyways. By October I knew it wasn't going to happen on it's own. I went to my OB/GYN and after having blood work done and being diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" I started on the ovulation inducing drug,
Clomid. After 3 rounds we found out we were pregnant with Carter in March 2010. It was a long and often emotionally draining 9+ months from when we first started to when we got pregnant. Little did I know how much more difficult things would be the second time around.
Just after Carter's first birthday, in January 2012, Russ and I decided to start trying on our own again. We knew that it most likely wouldn't happen without medical intervention, but we weren't in a rush at the time. Though by January 2013 I was ready to start Clomid again. I had to have the blood tests repeated and by April we began the first round. It was unsuccessful. Every Clomid cycle was unsuccessful for the rest of the year. The OB/GYN said I needed to go a fertility specialist, which I did a month ago. I've had a uterine biopsy after cysts were found during an ultrasound (thankfully they were not cancerous), an extensive blood panel and on Friday I have a
hysterosalpinogram. I've been diagnosed with
PCOS. Russ has also had a semen analysis. On May 2nd we will meet with the doctor and discuss the results of everything and see where to go from there.
And here we are along with the other 7.3 million people that struggle with infertility. That's just 1 in 8. I know many women that have faced this unfairness (and let's not forget men, too). Some have gone on to have babies, some are pregnant now and some still wondering when it will happen for them. And there are some women like me. They have been blessed with a child, but now struggle with "secondary infertility." Although I had to take Clomid to have Carter, I am still placed in this category.
It's a cruel trick of nature when your body betrays you. And that's exactly what it feels like. Sometimes you can do everything right, take the medicines and vitamins, eat the best foods, exercise, go to acupuncture, etc. and it still won't be enough. For those women, my heart aches. I wish I could say or do something to take the pain away for them, but I can't. If you have never dealt with infertility then you have no way of fully understanding what I'm saying. You should feel very lucky for that. I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy.
After Carter was born I used to spend so much time just starring at him (and usually crying) because I realized with 100% of my being just how blessed I was so have him as my baby. Now that we're struggling to get pregnant again, I feel that even greater. He is the best miracle. He is the sun. He is the sky. He is the music of my heart. I tell him everyday, "You are my blessing." Every. Single. Day.
To say I'd be okay if we didn't have another child is oversimplifying things. Would I be okay? Yes. Life would keep moving and there would be laughter and joy and love. But I think my heart would always ache (at least a little bit) for what would have been....for the family we could have had. The sibling relationship Carter would miss out on.
Infertility has been ever present in my life. My parents struggled with it for 11 years before having my brother. My mother-in-law, aunt and cousin all had secondary infertility as well. Each of our stories is a little different, but has this common denominator: life didn't go as planned. Odds are I will never know what it's like to decide to get pregnant and have that happen without medical intervention.
And that leads me to this: thank God for medical intervention! It's amazing what can be done and I am so grateful for all of it. Hopefully down the road medical intervention with help us conceive our 2nd little one. Sadly though, in the majority of cases insurance does not cover fertility treatments. We have a PPO that will cover 90% of my stay in a "Christian Science Sanatorium" but covers zero of my fertility treatments. It doesn't make sense to me. It is said this is due to the fact that fertility treatments like IVF are very costly and would raise overall healthcare rates, but this often leads to multiple embryo transfers and thus multiple births that usually involve longer (and very expensive) hospital stays. I feel that if a woman has a desire to be a mother, cost should not prevent her from becoming one. (There is also adoption which is a route we would be open to exploring, but like fertility treatments it is very expensive.)
This post has become much longer then I intended, but it's all very close to my heart. If you are reading and wondering, "Well should I approach this subject with her now or not?" my answer would be, sure. If you want to genuinely inquire as to how I am doing or where we are in the process, that's fine. I just ask that you don't start with, "So, are you pregnant yet?" And if you don't ever bring it up that's okay, too. If there is something I really want to tell you, believe me, I will. That goes for when I get pregnant, as well. It's not like I'd be keeping that secret for 9 months and then SURPRISE! I just had a baby! We'll tell you when we are ready to tell you. Until then if you want to pray for us, send us good vibes or just think positive thoughts for us, we would really appreciate it.
And for any women reading this and dealing with infertility: I can't take the pain away or make you pregnant, but I send you love and hope and strength.
