On Wednesday I had my first appointment with a fertility specialist, Dr. T. It's taken me a few days to process everything and I suppose I still am....so much so I don't really know how to even start this post. I guess I'll just walk you through my appointment...
First off, I really like the doctor. She took me into her office and said that although she had my previous charts/test/files (all 23 pages of them!), she'd rather have me describe what I've been dealing with. I walked her through my medical history and she took the time to actively listen to me. We discussed my situation and her preliminary diagnosis is that of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). In the past I've had one doctor rule out PCOS after an ultrasound showed no cysts on my ovaries, but another doctor told me I could still have it and left it at that. Dr. T said that you don't necessarily have to have cysts on the ovaries to have PCOS. I met a number of the other criteria.
The very basic summary of it is that because of PCOS my hormones levels are out of whack causing me to have irregular cycles (something I've had all of my life). Because I have irregular cycles the uterine lining is building up and the longer it sits there the more of a chance it has to develop precancerous or cancerous cells. Dr. T said she wanted to proceed with an ultrasound to check my lining.
Unfortunately, within seconds of starting the ultrasound it confirmed that I do have a very thick lining. Dr. T showed me the screen and said that she didn't want to scare me, but there were a number of cysts on the lining. I was shocked. I assumed my lining might be thick because my last cycle was months ago, but when I saw all of the cysts I couldn't believe it. My next thought was, "Man, I really wish Russ was here" (he couldn't get off work).
She continued the ultrasound and tried to get a look at my ovaries, but the bowel was obstructing the view. It was quite painful.
We finished and she told me that I need to have a uterine biopsy (which I'll be having 4/3). Following the biopsy I'm going to take Provera to induce my cycle, then have blood work completed and a 2 hour glucose test (those with PCOS are often insulin resistant). Between cycle days 10-12 I'll be having a hysterosalpinogram performed (dye is inserted and then an xray is taken to get a clear view of my reproductive system). Russ will also be having a semen analysis (he also did one when we were trying to get pregnant with Carter, but that was 4.5 years ago so they need to check everything again).
So that is the logistical side of everything. As for the emotional side, I'm in a weird state of mind right now. Immediately following the appointment I was upset (to put it lightly). I had gone to discuss pregnancy and left wondering if I may have cancer. A few days out I'm thinking a little more clearly. I am not having any symptoms that would lead me to believe I have cancer, so I think it will be fine. Waiting to have the biopsy (and then waiting for the results) is very difficult though.
There are moments when I look at Carter and start crying for so many reasons it's hard for me to even pinpoint. Sometimes it's because I feel bad for him that I'm not 100% there in the moment, or I'm sad that I haven't been able to give him a sibling, or I feel so much gratitude that I have been gifted with such an amazing son, or I'm terrified that something might be horribly wrong with me and I'd have to leave him or the beauty of this life utterly astonishes me.
And sometimes I'm just straight out pissed off that I have to deal with any of this.
For today, I am happy and I am grateful. I've spent this weekend focused on staying in each moment and treasuring the gift of life...and my body. It would be easy for me to resent the fact that it's not doing what it's supposed to, but instead I'm choosing to love it even more. My body has served me well and I know it will continue to do so.
I'm not sure who reads my blog anymore (besides my lovely friends Kristin and Nancy), but if you are reading this I would appreciate any good vibes or peaceful, loving energy you want to send my way.
Namaste.
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