This post might seem a little "darker" then what I usually blog about, but it's been on my mind and heart for quite some time and I thought I would share with all of you. As you might have gathered from the quote above, the topic is grief and more specifically my grief over my grandma. I've only recently come to realize that the ache within my heart is grief because, you see, my grandma is still alive. When people ask me how she is doing I usually just say, "Great! She's 98 and still living on her own." But just the mention of her has secretly caused my heart to stop for a split second and I can feel a sadness coursing through my veins.
In the past few years I've posted numerous times about my grandma (on my old blog), but to catch you up my history with my grandma looks like this: Up until 8-9 years ago she was one of my best friends and biggest supporters. My childhood was spent longing to see her (when we lived far away) or spending just about every vacation/weekend with her (once we moved back to Southern California). I can 100% say that my childhood wouldn't be what is was without those moment with her. I wouldn't be who I am without those moments with her.
Not long after she turned 88 she fell and broke her hip. That is when I first noticed her change. I just wrote a few paragraphs about the details of this change, but I realize those don't need to be retold. The bottom line is that at this point in time my grandma doesn't want to see me. These days I hold my feelings in a lot of the time about grandma because there isn't anything I can do to change the situation. Talking about it makes me sad, but what's harder is that there isn't anything I can do. It isn't as if we are in a bad place right now, but that will one day be resolved and we'll hug and things will go back to the way they once were. That will never happen. And there in lies my grief.
My grandma is still alive so my grief isn't over the passing of a loved once (which most people can understand). My grief is over the ending of the relationship I've always had with her while she's still here on Earth (something not everyone has experienced with a grandparent or loved one). I never thought I'd be at this place with her. When I was younger I'd pray every night that she would live to see me graduate high school (and then college and then get married). Every. Single. Night. I never realized that our relationship would change for the worse during those years due to dementia. I never even had the thought.
In almost all aspects of her life she is still doing very well. She cooks her own meals, bathes herself and is mentally sharp...except in regards to paranoid delusions that mostly involve me. Why her brain is doing this, I don't know. What I do know is that it has broken my heart. So as the quote says above, I am grieving my loss, but I am trying desperately to remember that love never dies. I have so many happy and loving moments with her and I'm doing my damnedest to not let them be eclipsed. It's very hard, but I am trying.
At the end of the day all I can say is that I love my grandma. I always have and I always will.
No comments:
Post a Comment