Deja Vu

Today I attended Women's Wisdom at Common Ground Spiritual Center for the first time in far too long. I'm really making an effort this year to take those two mornings a month (for an hour and half) and renew myself. My head space has been pretty cluttered the past few days mostly with thoughts of TTC (or lack thereof since I don't see the RE for another month) and also with my grandma (I'll go more in depth on that another time). So when I sat down and heard this poem read by my friend Nancy I knew I was exactly where I needed to be.

"As children bring their broken toys

with tears for us to mend,

I brought my broken dreams to God

because He was my friend.

But instead of leaving Him

in peace to work alone,

I hung around and tried to help

with ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,

"How can You be so slow?"

"My child," he said, "what could I do?

You never let them go."

~Lauretta Burns

I had a complete sense of deja vu because I remember this poem very well from when we were trying to get pregnant with Carter. In fact I even wrote a blog about it titled "Letting Go and Letting God." I can't link you back to that old post (since it's on my old blog) but I'll post it here:

"Wow, I think that poem is simple, to the point and very poignant. Today I attended a class at Common Ground called "Dancing with Spirit." That was just part of the brilliant readings we had. It is something that I am definitely trying to work on in life, especially now.

Yesterday, besides class, I also had a doctor's appointment. Sadly (and frustratingly) I had another negative pregnancy test. My Clomid has been upped again (to the most that you can possibly take) and I'm not looking forward to the roller coaster of emotions those hormones induce. I gotta do what I gotta do though.

While I was in the waiting room I picked up a magazine that was next to me - - "Conceive Magazine." My first thought was wow, it must take a lot of people quite a long time if they can make magazine about it!So I thumbed through it and learned some interesting facts. A couple that has no fertility issues and are under 30 years of age only have a 25% chance of conceiving each month. I was surprised by this. Those odds aren't that great. Weirdly though, it made me feel better. Each month when I get that negative pt I feel like I'm drifting further away from my dream. In actuality, I'm getting closer. I've got to remember that.

Something I have always tried to work on is patience. This is a lesson I am being forced to learn right now. Too often I can be like the person in the poem, trying to budge God into doing things my way, in my time. I've got to truly let go and let God. It isn't easy, but I'm working on it. In the meantime, another month on the "baby making routine" begins. Believe me, it isn't as fun as it sounds. Calendars, pills, ovulation tests, hot flushes, break downs. Oh my! I'm keeping my eye on the prize though - - one day I will be holding my baby in my arms and all of it will have been worth it."

I wrote that almost 4 years ago exactly (January 29, 2010). It's so strange how I've found myself in that same place, dealing with very similar emotions. Again I'm having to learn that life doesn't happen on my time, it happens on God's time and there is a perfect plan in place that I just can't see yet. Some days that is easy for me to do, other days not so much. 

For instance, yesterday we were in the mother's lounge at Nordstroms waiting for Madison and another mother was there with her one year old. Carter was so sweet with her. He was fascinated with just about everything about her from the bow in her hair to her tiny shoes. She wobbled over to where Carter had his cars lined up on the couch and he very sweetly handed a car to her and said, "Here baby. You play with this one." It melted my heart. He then said, "Come on baby! Let's race the cars!" He continued to talk to and play with her. The entire exchange was precious. At that moment I felt simultaneously totally in love with my little boy and his kind heart, but also I felt an aching within my own.

I want to be able to give him a sibling so badly that is hurts sometimes. In those moments I've got to remember this poem more often. I have to let go. As I wrote four years ago, "One day I will be holding my baby in my arms and all of it will have been worth it." It was just as true then and it is now. Carter was worth it a hundred times over, just as our second child will be. Until then I affirm that I trust in the process of life.