I posted last week about Carter and the
Highly Sensitive Child. After his birthday party this weekend, I wanted to briefly revisit the topic because it's really been on my mind. While his party was a lot of fun (and I know he enjoyed himself), many of his HSC traits came out.
We'd talked about his party all morning and he was very excited. He'd list off each and every one of his friends that were going to be there and was talking non-stop about his "Thomas birthday." However, when we got there he was immediately very overwhelmed. He wanted to be held which quickly turned into him wanting to leave. Shortly after guests started to arrive and wish him a happy birthday. His response? "No! No happy birthday!" Then tears.(It's not a good feeling when people look at you like your child is rude for not greeting them with a smile and "thank you," but this is yet another lesson for me in not caring what other people think.) I tried to explain that he just needed a minute and I took him off to a corner of the facility with a kitchen set that I know he likes to play with. Within a few seconds he was happily playing.
There were other moments throughout the party that he was uncomfortable with: when anyone wished him a happy birthday, when there were bubbles (at first), when "Coco" came out, when it was time to sit at the table with his friends, and blowing out this candles (he wouldn't sit in front of the cake by himself, but with me holding him we blew out the candles together).
But in other moments he had a great time! Yes, he likes to play by himself but he also loves connecting with kids his age. In busy, crowded settings he is more apt to become quiet and introverted, but get him one-on-one or in a small group and he thrives. Because of this, Russ and I are going to try to become more aware of the situations we're sending him into. I think it will mean we need to do a little bit more creative parenting on our part, but we're up for the challenge. I don't want to deprive him of living life and having adventures though, so if we're somewhere that seems to overwhelm him I'm learning ways of making the situation a little better for him (such as when I took him to a quiet area alone). I'm also going into things knowing that we might have to leave shortly after arrival and that's okay.
The more I read about the HSC (such as
this great blog post), the more I can identify with what parents are describing of their children: Complete rage during haircuts, freak outs over nail trimming (we can only trim Carter's when he's asleep), not wanting to be sung to (unless specifically requesting it) and more. And as I mentioned in my previous post on the topic, there are also many positive traits that come along with it such as creativity and compassion.
Here is a list of tips/info we compiled for our family:
- Carter definitely falls on the sensitive spectrum. This doesn't mean he's shy, but it does mean it will take him a while to warm up to new people and situations. He can be easily overwhelmed by new surroundings, bright lights and loud noises. Touching him or immediately approaching him within his personal space will likely cause him to feel uncomfortable.
-Sometimes there will be tears and he may be unwilling to participate in something.
-With the holidays almost here, this may mean leaving events early or asking people to give us a few minutes alone with him so he can acclimate. It does not mean Carter is rude or unsocial.
- He needs gentle correction and even then he might have very hurt feelings which can lead to a "meltdown."
-We need to avoid the word "no" with him (as that will most definitely hurt his feelings). Instead we're trying to use redirection. He is very eager to please and if he feels he's done something we don't like it deeply hurts him.
The plus side of being a sensitive child (or adult) is that Carter will most likely exhibit these traits:
Compassion
Gentleness
The ability to act as a peacemaker
Concern about the humane treatment of animals
A sense of responsibility
Conscientiousness
Creativity
The tendency to feel love deeply
A great intuitive ability
An awareness of his unity with all beings
The ability to have and appreciate spiritual experiences
He is in good company, sharing these traits with such famous highly sensitive males as Abraham Lincoln, Carl Jung, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
Moving forward we're going to continue to honor Carter's feelings and allow him to take things at his pace. There will be struggles, but there will be so much joy.
